What’s the secret of a successful marriage? And what makes a good parent? Those are two of the biggest questions in life, two of the most important questions our society faces. Two questions that, of course, concern family life. Even if you are not married yourself, or have no children of our own, I hope we want our society to benefit from stable marriages and happy families.
In the Western world, we live in an age when ‘family values’ are increasingly uncertain. We live in a country where co-habitation before marriage has become common, and where forty per cent of marriages break down. We live in a society where the ‘conventional’ family unit of mummy, daddy and 2.4 children is not quite as conventional as it once was.
In these uncertain times we need guidance from God for family life. Husbands and wives need God’s help on how to strengthen their marriages. And parents need his help to raise their children well. As we’ve seen in Proverbs over the past couple of weeks, we need wisdom from God to make a success of our lives.
And so today we are looking at Proverbs to discover God’s guidance for families. In fact, family life is arguably ‘the’ dominant theme of Proverbs. Its first chapter contains instructions from a father to his son, while its final chapter contains a detailed description of the ideal wife (I will let you look that up for yourselves later!).
We’ll begin by looking at what Proverbs has to say about married life, and then we’ll see what it has to say about parenting.
- Husbands and wives: companionship, chemistry, commitment.
There are lots of jokes and sayings about the secret to a successful marriage. One says that a husband who wants a long and happy marriage “should keep his mouth shut and wallet open”. And GK Chesterton once said, rather sombrely: “Marriage is an adventure – a bit like going to war!”.
Fortunately God’s Word is not so pessimistic about marriage. From the first chapter of Genesis onwards, the Bible takes an optimistic view. It says that marriage is God’s invention, designed to be a great blessing to husband and wife. Stable marriages are meant to be the source and foundation of family life.
The book of Proverbs certainly agrees that a good marriage is a great blessing. It leaves us in no doubt that a good wife makes for a happy husband – and vice versa! For example, Proverbs 12:4 says “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown”. And Proverbs 31:10 says that a good marriage is “worth far more” than precious jewels.
A closer look at Proverbs tells us that there are three marks of a successful marriage. Three ingredients of a long and happy marriage. Three attributes to invest in, whether you are a long-serving spouse, a newly-wed or just engaged to be married.
The first is companionship. Proverbs says that husband and wife should be close companions, soul mates. They should be best friends journeying through life together.
The idea of a wife being a companion was a radical one when Proverbs was first written. In the ancient world a wife was often seen as simply an asset or a child-bearer. As collateral rather than a companion and friend. But Proverbs thinks differently. Proverbs 2:17 describes a spouse as your partner, your close friend. So for those of us who are married, Proverbs challenges us to spend quality time with our spouse, to communicate openly with one another, to share life’s joys and challenges together. To be true companions.
As well as companionship, Proverbs says we should cultivate ‘chemistry’ in a marriage. A successful marriage should include emotional and physical intimacy – a touch of romance, you might say! Husband and wife should not let their love run cold, or forget the feelings they had for one another when they first wed. Listen to these words of advice from the author of Proverbs 5:19 – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may she satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” So chemistry, as well as companionship, should be a characteristic of a healthy marriage. Seek emotional support and affection in the spouse whom you love.
Thirdly, and finally, Proverbs says a successful marriage includes commitment. Once again echoing the teaching of Genesis, Proverbs tells us that marriage is to be a lifelong commitment, a permanent partnership between a man and a woman. Husbands and their wives are encouraged to honour the promises they made to each other on their wedding day, and honour their marriage vows. Faithfulness for life is God’s model for marriage – for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
So whether or not you yourself are married, please pray for those you know who are. Please pray that they will grow in their companionship, chemistry and commitment to one another.
- Parenting: Training and disciplining our children
We lost our family cat ‘Cleo’ for five days last week. Fortunately we found her in the church basement, beneath our feet. I’m fast learning that cats are creatures that are hard to control, and difficult to keep track of. If you are a parent, you will know that looking after children can sometimes feel like herding cats! A seemingly impossible task.
Our children may test our patience, keep us awake at night and batter our ear drums during the day. But in our more reflective, less sleep-deprived moments, I hope every parent recognises that our children are a blessing – a precious gift from God. Parenting really is a privilege and an awesome responsibility.
Our reading from Proverbs 23 this morning said that the parents “of a righteous child” have “great joy”, and that “a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.” And Proverbs 17:6 adds that “grandchildren are a crown to the aged”.
Proverbs sees two primary tasks for loving parents. Two key duties that every wise parent should perform if they want their children to grow up well.
The first is teaching. Parents are to take primary responsibility for teaching our children what is right and wrong, showing them what is true and false. Above all, we are to teach our children about the Lord. We are to introduce them to the God who made them, who loves them, and who sent his Son to save them.
Listen to these verses from Proverbs on the value of teaching and training our children:
- At the very start of the book, in chapter 1, children are told to “Listen to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching”.
- Proverbs 22:6 advises parents with the words: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it”.
- And Proverbs 14:26 says to parents: “Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for their children he will be a refuge”.
We are so fortunate that in our society we are helped in this task by school teachers, Sunday School leaders and the wider family. But that is no excuse for mums and dads to totally delegate or abdicate our responsibility for our children’s ethical and spiritual upbringing.
If you are a Christian parent here this morning, I hope it is your number one ambition for your children that they grow up to know and love the Lord Jesus for themselves. I hope it is your intention to model Christian behaviour at home, and to teach your kids how to pray and read the Bible for themselves. And I hope you want to show them that Church is a priority for God’s people, by being here week-by-week, Sunday by Sunday. I trust you want to teach them the value of knowing Jesus as Saviour and Lord.
As well as teaching our children, Proverbs tells parents that they must discipline their offspring. You see, Proverbs does not have a naïve or idealistic view of children. It knows that they sometimes need correction as well as instruction. They sometimes need reasonable chastisement as well as encouragement. Proverbs recognises that our kids are fallen and struggle with sin – just like the rest of us. This truth is summed up in Proverbs 22:15, which says “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but…discipline will drive it far away.”
Without some form of discipline, Proverbs warns parents that our children will become wayward. Their bad habits will become character traits, their occasional bad behaviour will become the norm. As Proverbs 19:18 says: “Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their destruction.” And Proverbs 13 states clearly that the parent “who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”
So Proverbs tells us that parents should take seriously their responsibility to train their children in goodness and godliness. It tells parents that if we love our children, we shouldn’t be afraid to discipline them when necessary. Tough love, we’d call it today!
- Look to the Lord! The ultimate family unit
I hope we’ve seen this morning that family life is God’s invention. He wants our families to flourish. And in the book of Proverbs, he has given us guidance on how we can make our marriage work, and instruction on how we can parent our children wisely. But the rest of the Bible tells us he can do even more than that.
Because the rest of Bible tells us that God himself is an eternal relationship of love. It tells us God’s being is the ultimate family unit – a loving relationship between Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Three persons in relationship who can each help us to strengthen our own most precious relationships.
For example, God the Father is a great model for a husband and wife trying to show commitment and faithfulness to one another. As we follow the storyline of the Bible, as we read about the history of Israel and the life of the church, we see that God has shown total commitment to his people through thick and thin. He has kept every promises, his love has never waivered, and he has remained faithful even when his people have proved unfaithful.
God the Father is also a model for parents, both fathers and mothers. His love for his children is unwavering, and he gives us careful instruction and guidance in his Word. But he also disciplines those he loves. Listen to this verse from Hebrews chapter 12: “Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child.”
When it comes to God the Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, he too is a support to us in our family life. The New Testament says that Jesus should be a role model for every husband. It tells us that Jesus is engaged to the Church, that Christians are his bride. Listen to this verse from Ephesians chapter 5: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. Jesus laid down his life for his beloved on the Cross. A supreme act of self-sacrifice, an act that should inspire every husband to make every effort for the good of his spouse.
But Christ’s cross is more than just an inspiring example for husbands. Christ’s cross also makes possible God’s forgiveness for our sinful failures as husbands, wives, parents or children. Christ can take away our guilt and give us a fresh start in our family life.
The third and final member of the divine family is the Holy Spirit. The Spirit of God who can give us the qualities we need to cope as Christian spouses or Christian parents day by day. Galatians chapter 6 lists some of the fruit that the Holy Spirit produces in Christians’ lives. Qualities like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Qualities that we desperately need to be good husbands, wives, fathers and mothers.
After all: What husband wouldn’t want more love for his wife, more help to be faithful to his wedding vows? And what Christian parent wouldn’t benefit from a little extra love, gentleness, patience and self-control. I know I would!
So as Christians we should pray that God’s Spirit will give us the qualities we need to make a success of our marriages and be effective our parenting – especially when the kids are awake in the early hours of the morning!